When You Don’t Know What’s Wrong


No one knew what was wrong with me.

I was so tired.

For months, mystery symptoms plagued me.

My joints burned and ached. Fevers woke me, shivering cold. A nauseating headache roared like a train all the time. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. My breath came in wheezes.

I was so, so tired…

A menu of diseases blipped on the radar: Multiple Sclerosis. Lupus. Celiac. Rheumatoid Arthritis. Cancer.

It was a monster, whatever it was, so the testing continued.

Then in 2012, I met a new doctor, a plain old marvelous family physician. As I sat on the paper-bed, he typed like a madman on his computer while I babbled…

I’m just so tired. I try so hard…

He was listening…

No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to make everyone happy. I can’t get anything done

Finally he wheeled around and rolled toward me, coming to a stop at my knees.

He’d listened to me ramble about feeling like a failure, about being crushed under the criticism of people I cared about most. I was exhausted because my mind never rested. I tried so, so hard, but I was losing. Nothing was ever good enough.

I’d said too much. Surely he thought I was nuts.

That’s when surgery began. Without even anesthetizing my feelings, he made an incision: “What do you think you have to do to please God?”

He was listening to my heart now…

It seemed irrelevant, but I answered with a good churchy answer: “God-is-already-pleased-with-me-because-when-He-looks-at-me-He-sees-His-Son.” It was basic Sunday School 101.

He peered over his frames at me for a lingering second before saying, “I hear you. I do. And I agree with you, but I don’t think you believe a word of what you just said.”

I felt like I’d been slapped awake. He was right.

He’d cut too deep, too accurately, and found the gangrenous source of my disease.

I hemorrhaged tears as my spirit processed what he was saying. All the pain inside, outside—years of it—just bled right through and dripped from my trembling jaws. I ached in waves with what cannot be cured with medicine.

Suddenly, Scripture whispered into my thoughts…

When I kept silent, my bones wasted away… Day and night Your Hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. ~ Psalm 32:3-4

 

The doctor scribbled words on his prescription pad and said, “I can put you on very serious medication, or you can try putting God back on the throne of your life. It’s up to you.”

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not try to hide anything… ~ Psalm 32:5

 

He tore the blue slip from his tablet, but all that was written on it was the title of a book, The Search for Significance.

He didn’t say much else after helping me realize I’d made myself diseased by worrying about things I couldn’t fix, people I couldn’t change, ways I could never please…

My body was designed to self-destruct if forced to bow before anything but my Loving God. The doctor had said so, and I was living proof.

… I am fearfully and wonderfully made… ~ Psalm 139:14

 

I barely remember leaving his office as I confessed to God my unbelief… I hadn’t believed God loves me unconditionally.  I hadn’t believed His opinion of me is all that matters. I hadn’t believed I am good enough.

I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief! ~Mark 9:24

 

Every step walking out of the building proved my legs ached less and less. The train-roar headache fell completely silent for the first time in six long months. I had peace….

I’d made idols of people that I wanted to love me unconditionally. I’d made idols of opinions, idols of pleasing others, idols of trying to fix everything for everyone. I’d made an idol out of trying to be good enough.

“The idols that you carry are burdens, a load for weary people…”

~ Isaiah 46:1

 

It was idol worship that was killing me.

I said, “I will confess my transgression to the Lord”—and You forgave me. ~ Psalm 32:5b

 

Even as I walked across the parking lot letting go of everything, Jesus was forgiving me–healing me.

 

Which is easier to say: ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? ~ Jesus

 

In the car, I lifted my leg to push the brake as I backed out of the parking space and found all the searing pain in my bones was gone. The idols had turned loose of me when I turned loose of them, and I was healed.

 

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. ~James 5:16

 

Am I suggesting all diseases are caused by sin, or that they can all be healed by confessing worry? Not at all, because that isn’t true (John 9:2-3). I’m only sharing with you what Jesus did for me.

If you’ve read this far, I suspect you have an argument going on in your mind at all times. I suspect you never have peace, even though you are the peacemaker, the one who feels responsible for holding it all together.

Stop, friend.

Let me share with you the six words God gave me that changed my life. Are you ready?

I. DON’T. HAVE. TO. FIX. THAT.

I don’t have to fix that.

It’s not an attitude of passiveness in every situation; it’s simply wisdom not to feel responsible for fixing everything. Fear, perfectionism, and guilt are killers. Being anxious and overwhelmed are the grubby fingerprints of idols. Don’t bow to them. Bow to the Lord with your burdens, and let Him Cross-out what He isn’t asking you to do.

Then put on Love, and live.


“Put on love… Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts… and be thankful.” ~ Colossians 3:14-15


 

12 Comments


  1. // Reply

    Sally, this is so true. We are all so busy trying to prove that we are good enough but we will never be good enough. We just have to keep our eyes on Jesus! I really enjoy your emails.

    Teresa


  2. // Reply

    Love the testimony God has given you. I was talking to a friend earlier today about discernment. This dr. Is such a great example. Too often we wear ourselves and others out trying to deal with their symptoms. Discernment from God goes straight to the root and pulls it up! Holy Spirit, bless your people with discernment.


  3. // Reply

    Thank you so much for sharing this! As an incredibly busy mom who works a full time job and wants everything to be perfect for everyone- I needed this.


  4. // Reply

    Wow! Honestly, I feel like you have shared my innermost thoughts. After a trying time, God spoke to my heart this same sweet message. In the midst of my trial I had decided to keep quiet; I gave up teaching God’s Word. I almost gave up on Him altogether. Thankfully, our Teacher prompted my heart of all the treasures I had hidden there and as I sat in a service God revealed this same Psalm to me. With unlady-like snorts and sobbing I realized then that what I thought was my mess or failures would actually resurrect His love, grace, and mercy in me… I had to let it go! “Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous ones; SHOUT FOR JOY…” I can not keep silent!


    1. // Reply

      Wow, Lindsey! This made my day. I’m so thankful you heard The Teacher’s precious voice and were en*couraged to keep sharing His story through your life!
      Revelation 12:11


  5. // Reply

    Oh this is perfect!! Took me 50 + years to figure it out! I’ve always been a fixer! And being thankful in all circumstances was the best advise my mother ever gave me! I love your writing Sally Anne. Thank you for continuing to share your love and wisdom.

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