I am not okay.

Those words are nearly taboo in the South, because ours is an inheritance of stubborn resolve.

The generations before us pushed through without complaining, because almost everyone was suffering and no one was special in the sense that their difficulty outweighed their neighbor’s.

The standard reply to every concern was, We’re fine, thank you.

We admired them for their mettle, and made it our oath.

But now, to consider that we might not be okay is immediately followed by a self-flogging voice that scolds, You’re fine. There is real suffering in the world and yours doesn’t count. Chin up, buttercup.

So you sit in church and pretend, it is well, when it is not well.

You gather groceries, begging God to not let anyone speak to you because you’ll cry—or let out a whole string of bad words…whichever.

A war between gratitude and bitterness leaves your nerves razor-sharp and unsheathed.

Checking your phone is like injecting Ajax into your veins, but you do it with manic repetition, hoping something happy will post.

It doesn’t.

Work is an auto-pilot exercise: You interact with your customers, force a smile and state How are you today.

But inside…inside, your heart beats, I’m not okay. I’m not okay.

I am NOT okay…

You don’t dare tell anyone because it seems you’re the only one.

Or that no one cares, and even if they did, they can’t help you.

Maybe there were a couple times you made a brave attempt to reach for help, but just a few words into your confession you realized your sincere, listening friend has no idea what you’re talking about.

Maybe she pats your head with Scripture, or hands you her favorite book, or maybe she tries so hard that some hostile hate-the-world, bash-the-church conversation happens and leaves you feeling even worse.

You regret saying anything, and vow to try harder, to be stronger…

The inner conflict never ends, your mind is never quiet, and every day you consider what life would be like if…

If.

Hear me: You are not alone.

All around you at this very moment are souls who know exactly how you feel.

You are not losing your mind.

I wanted to end this with some kind of resolution. I was going to try to share words that have lifted me “out of the angry waves” so many times, but I just keep hearing that song in my mind…

Love Lifted Me.

It was inspired by Matthew 14:30-31, the story about Peter stepping out of the boat onto the water with Jesus.

I used to read Jesus’ words to a sinking, doubting Peter as a frustrated rebuke—You of little faith! Bad Peter! How dare you doubt Me!

That’s not what Jesus said, but that’s how I heard it, for some reason.

But after discovering the heart of God as revealed to us through Jesus our Friend, I see that scene unfolding like this…

Jesus invites Peter to step out to where He is, on the water. Peter goes for it, does well for a few seconds, then gets scared and sinks—like normal people do. And Jesus grabs Him by the forearm, laughing like the best Friend that He is, and says, Peter, why did you doubt? 

Laughing.

So that’s it. That’s all the Scripture I’m going to share, because I just want you to know, you’re not alone, and it’s okay to sink—even if a few minutes/days/years ago you were walking on water with Jesus.

It’s my unshakable belief that someday, you’ll have a song to sing about the time you were not okay, and Love lifted you.

Ask me how I know.

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~ Love Lifted Me ~

I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore,
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more,
But the Master of the sea, heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I.

Love lifted me! Love lifted me!
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me!

All my heart to Him I give, ever to Him I’ll cling
In His blessèd presence live, ever His praises sing,
Love so mighty and so true, merits my soul’s best songs,
Faithful, loving service too, to Him belongs.

Souls in danger look above, Jesus completely saves,
He will lift you by His love, out of the angry waves.
He’s the Master of the sea, billows His will obey,
He your Savior wants to be, be saved today.

~ James Rowe & Howard E. Smith, 1912