Soon after celebrating the impossible and holding the light of life in my arms when our first daughter was born, something very dark and unfamiliar took me over.
I’d lose the hours.
It took me all day to complete a simple task.
I had everything I’d ever prayed for, yet I grieved.
Each time shower water thundered past my ears, I’d hear my newborn screaming for me.
I’d close my eyes to wash my hair and see her engulfed in flames—horrific things that sent me soaking the carpet at her nursery door, checking to make sure it was just my imagination.
She was sound asleep, of course, softly breathing in her crib with lullabies taking turns on the radio, but it was a full year before I made it through a shower.
I didn’t know what postpartum depression was and didn’t tell anyone what was happening to me.
This is when the water began to rise. I was going under and needed to find a new way to breathe.
One day at a book store I picked up a best seller. The title One Thousand Gifts made me think it was a book listing a thousand ways to bless people.
This was not a list. It was a book by a woman who’d known real flesh and blood blackness, not just shadows of it like me.
I wanted to know everything Ann Voskamp had to say.
As a child, she’d suffered the very worst kind of family tragedy. Depression and shock became her new normal, even into adulthood, until one day a close friend proposed a challenge. A new way to breathe.
The challenge was simple: make a list of one thousand gifts… one thousand things she was grateful for.
It sounds easy enough, but when a heart is broken in thousands of pieces like hers was, counting blessings takes some doing.
So I bought a journal and began writing in it every day things I was thankful for…
…husband’s voice in the living room
…rainbow of sippy cups
…text messages from brother
…smell of fresh laundry venting into back yard
…Grandma Pattycake asking me to sing to her
…summer storms
Every day I wrote at least one thing, and just as Ann promised, God appeared.
I was making a word picture of His Presence in our lives, the way His good and perfect gifts are strewn throughout every day… even the worst days.
She calls it eucharisteo, living a life of thanks-giving.
Thanks-giving always precedes the miracle, she writes.
Indeed it does. Jesus always gave thanks to God the Father right before something miraculous happened.
As years passed, I learned to list hard things in the journal too, before the miracle came.
In hindsight, I’d seen too many times when things happened in our lives that turned out for good.
Like the time our water heater flooded our home, and the insurance money proved to be the miracle we needed to purchase our first round of fertility treatments.
And the time I went into surgery to have my gall bladder removed. Turned out my gall bladder was fine, but the doctor discovered a silent killer we otherwise would not have known about until too late… ovarian cancer.
So my gratitude journal evolved to include things like leaky water heaters and gall bladder surgery.
The only way to keep breathing in both dry times and when the mighty waters rise is to inhale blessings, exhale gratefulness.
Breathe in God’s gifts, exhale thanks-giving.
I even turned it into a sort of game I played with our girls during long potty training moments or in waiting rooms.
We called the game I’m Thankful, and simply took turns naming one thing we’re thankful for…
clean water, favorite toys, daddy’s job, ability to jump puddles….
Something happens inside the human spirit when we, bloodied and broken by violent tumbling waves, wipe our muddy sweat with a defiant swipe and get up again, face toward the Light, and remain grateful to God.
Gratefulness lets the light in.
We remember He is for us, not against us.
Christa Black Gifford said something I’ve never forgotten: If you are not anchored in the goodness of God, you will lower your theology to match your pain.
Counting His gifts entrenches our hearts with this precious truth: God is very, very good.
Then when the waters rise, we’ve already learned to find Him. We’ve learned to see His fingerprints of kindness and focus on what He is doing rather than what it appears He is not doing.
Only then can we breathe under water.
~
Then the channels of water appeared… He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep water…
~ Psalm 18:15-16
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Love your writing. You are truly an amazing blessing to all who get to read your wonderful words.
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Thank you so very much for your encouragement, Jeffrey! You made my day!
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Your timing is impeccable. The last few weeks have been dark, as in deep water. I needed a way to breathe again. Thank you for sharing Your gift. Sending love.
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My beautiful friend Sandra… I haven’t heard from you and in my selfishness I assumed you knew I was fine. I should have been checking on you. I’ve prayed for you tonight and will continue to do so. Your name is definitely on my list for the powerful prayers you’ve prayed over us.
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This is so true, Sally. As our children were growing up we would play a game every night at dinner. We called it Hi-lite/Lo-Lite. We would each go around the table and tell about something that went wrong or made us sad that day. We would sympathize with and try to encourage one another. Then we would repeat the round table, sharinf the high lite of our day; some unexpected, joyful surprise to give thanks for, or maybe even the reward of a good grade after serious study. Practicing thankfulness was such a great way to end our evening as a family-thinking of the blessings God brought to us each day. It made the lo-lites seem not so hard or important. Those lows and highs were often repeated as requests and praises during bedtime prayers. The best thing is that our grown children (and granddaughter) often still love to do this as we gather round the table when they come for dinner! I give thanks today for God’s faithfulness in the highs and lows!
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I love this! What a great idea! Thought of you this morning in church. The pastor was describing fervent prayer and defined it in part as “to roil, boiling over” with intensity. I’m so thankful for you!
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So good to see you writing. As you know I’ve recently suffered a stroke. But God is good and I’m recovering quickly. When I went down I remembered one thing and one thing only… God is good. that’s enough he loves us see you soon
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I do know. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so hard for someone I’ve never met. ha! So thankful for His kindness to us both! Thank you for taking time to encourage me.
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Thank you sweet Sally for such beautiful words. I say my favorite saying is ” Today is a gift ” but I don’t truly live it that way. I look at all the bad and I wonder why to offer instead of just being grateful for the gift I’ve been given each day. I love you an I’m thankful for you Sally.
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Love you, Amy!
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So beautiful and thought provoking!
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Thank you for your encouragement, Ida!
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Today, I am thankful for the words God gives you, Sally, to share with us. Your trials will not be in vain; for you are a true inspiration!
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Love you, Tessa! Your encouragement always gives me a boost!
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I’ve seen ‘eucharisteo’ on your time line for a while without learning what it meant. I love it! And I love you too.
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I sure do love you too!
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So beautiful! I desperately need to do this! I’m going to do this! I will buy a journal the next time I’m out. But I will start my “One Thousand Gifts” today!
The first entry will be that I’m thankful for you, Sally Anne, for writing these inspirational words. ?
God’s blessings to you and yours…. always.
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What a precious thing to write to me, Donna. You’ve made my day with your sweet words and blessing!