I was you.

A list of offenses stewed in my thoughts on repeat. Seeing the underbelly of church operations and branding left me cold and disillusioned, and social media rants showcased the worst of what we had become. Or so it seemed.

For several reasons,”church” felt like the most un-loving place I went, and so, I became a bitter Christian.

How did I get like that? Probably the same way you did.

It starts with a wound, something long forgotten. Something early on wrecked our fragile, still forming view of God, leaving us shaken and suspicious of Him for entire decades.

After that happens, Sundays seem to consist only of sin, rebuke, hellfire, damnation, wrath, and filthy rags. No matter what the message is, we can only hear those words, as if a spell has rendered us deaf to the Gospel and surrounded us with enemies. Everyone leaves exactly as they came, despite singing “our chains are gone, we’ve been set free.” Something prowling nearby whispers, Lies…all lies.

As our hearts slowly harden with the very hypocrisy we despise, we become vulnerable to a spirit that sees our wounds and is all too ready to feed us doctrines that are irresistibly delicious to the soul-starved.

Then one day, the news reaches our ears that God is kind…that He is unfathomably welcoming and so good that only one word is needed to describe Him: Love.

Like cool, clean water in the desert, this good news quenches our throats dried by empty religion. We are ruined for anything else at the first taste of this Living Water, instantly addicted to the precious freedom that cannot be argued. God is love becomes our mantra, our antidote, so much so that we become painfully sensitive to anything short of it.

But for reasons we can’t explain, going to church at all torments the wound still within us. We can no longer tolerate convicting truth, however gentle, especially when laced with repentance, because it sounds too much like the angry theology we just escaped.

What started out as a tragic soul wound devolves into a religion all its own, that rejects anything that seems to contradict love. In our injured mind, we have defined love as God. We got it backwards.

Just reading that last sentence would have offended me not too long ago. If this triggers you, I know how you feel. I’m telling you, I’ve been there.

But this bitterness against other Christians, this rage against “hypocrisy,” is an illusion designed to destroy you. It’s legalism of a different kind.

My guess is that you have an anointing from the Lord. You’re likely prophetic, an encourager, whose gifts have been hijacked by a sinister, deliberate plan to keep you away from the body of Christ. I also suspect you’re self-isolated, feeling better off on your own.

There is zero condemnation in Christ, so I hope you hear what I’m saying to you: You’re a victim.

Because of our wounds, when we were warned that there’s an entire kingdom prowling to devour us while we’re injured, we didn’t hear it. We thought it applied to people who weren’t trying very hard to follow Christ. You try so hard.

But trying led to pride, and pride turns a heart to stone so thoroughly that what we think we’re doing in defense of love, turns to hate.

Be honest with yourself: You feel hateful toward the people who you think don’t love well. You’ve become an arrogant rock-thrower, insisting that your god is love.

You’re right, God is love. He’s impossibly good. The rumors about His kindness and patience are all together true.

But what has a hold of you is not good. It’s an enchantment, and unless God opens your eyes, you won’t even know you’re deceived. You’ll continue thinking everyone else is.

Here’s a test. Sincerely ask God to shine His light on your bitterness. If you’re not able to do that without an argument breaking out in your thoughts, there’s a real chance you’re scattering, not gathering. Your soul is employed by something you never meant to serve, but Jesus is able to set you free.

I’m willing to bet you’re a person of prayer, so just pray about it. God will help you.

But if you need a little help finding the words, here is a prayer you can make your own. I’ve published two books filled with Scripture I interpreted the best way I know how, so I know what it’s like to be humbled by realizing I don’t always get it right. God is a faithful fountain of the love you crave, so just wade on in:

Lord Jesus, I believe in You. You are the only Way, the Truth, and the Life. I belong to You. Thank You for the cross, Lord, where forgiveness flows freely to me. I forgive and release to Your judgment everyone who injured me by misrepresenting You. I renounce every scheme of hell sent to deceive me by confusing me. I renounce allowing my woundedness to speak to me instead of Your Holy Spirit. I don’t want to hate my fellow Christians anymore because it breaks Your command to love them. I thank You that they have loved me anyway, and many of them have even been praying for me. I repent of making love an idol and a weapon. I repent of harming Your Body by spearing your people with my words. I repent of murmuring and grumbling. I ask You to forgive me and to eradicate any legal right I’ve given the enemy to torment me in my mind. I ask You to refresh me with Your Spirit so I can live for you and serve with Your joy. Thank You for Your kindness and patience with me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

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I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

~ Jesus, {Luke 15:7}